Welcome to the BT Stress Helpline.
If you have a key pad with a ‘star’ button
Press it twice now.
If not, press ‘square’ and wait for an operator.
Thank you.  You now have three choices.
If you are only mildly stressed
And most of your crockery is still intact
Press 1.
If your Royal Doulton is in smithereens
And you are about to run amok
With a carving knife or meat cleaver
Press 2.
If you are surrounded by the chopped and shredded remains
Of what used to be your tastefully decorated home
And are now about to do yourself in
Press ‘star, 3, square, 4, 5, 1, star, square, 9, star’, now.
Sorry, you have dialled the code incorrectly,
Please press ‘star, 4, 3, 6, 9, square, star’, twice
To hear the options again.
Sorry, we are busy at the moment
And you are being held in a queue -
Please do not hang up.

I’m sorry, you are still in a queue.
If, at the beginning of this call
You were mildly stressed
But are now about to run amok
With a carving knife or meat cleaver
Press 1.
If, at the beginning of this call
You were about to run amok etc.
And are now suicidal
Press 2.
If, at the beginning of this call
You were about to commit suicide
And have now done so,
Thank you for calling the BT Stress Helpline,
Your opting out has made it quicker
For others to move up the queue.
For the rest of you -
Sorry, you are still in a queue -
Please do not hang yourselves -
Er, sorry, I mean please do not hang up.
If, at the beginning of this call,
You were only mildly stressed
Then while waiting decided to run amok
And are now about to commit suicide
Press 1.
If, at the beginning of this call